Gunny Walker

  Wow, just wow.
  I can't imagine being in Nawlis right now. People are attacking the rescue efforts. People holding the dome hostage. Local police are reduced to defending themselves. I watch the news and can't wonder about all the people that they show with boats. Why are they sticking around in that cesspool? Why not just float on out. Or walk out. There are some roads open. I've seen the clips of busses driving in.
  Slowly, New Orleans has been sinking into the ground. It's been below sea level for a long time. I can't imagine sticking around with guns like that pointed towards my hometown. Maybe, it's time to let nature take it back.
  On a day, like this you really need something to make you laugh. (Maybe two things. Warning: this is a somewhat adult site. These pages have just one strong word each. Wander at your own risk of your own innocence.)

  In my rush to get to the antique tractor show at Wilson County Fair. I forgot to list what brought me happiness yesterday. The funniest thing from yesterday was the scene with the exercise machine from Lost In Translation. Bill Murray is a genius. I guess Sophia Coppola is as well.
  Of course, the antique tractor pull was a dud. At least nothing much happened before 11 at night. I saw some tractors break down and some little kids competing, but that was it. Unfortunately, these were antique tractors. So there were no mud slinging, chest rattling tractors there. It was just watching them creep along. One however lost its suitcase weights when it stalled out and the nose dropped back down. Then the weights fell off. Well, not just the weights but the bar holding on the weights. Then they had to leave it in the arena. Since none of them had the tools to take them off the bar, none of the guys could pick them up either.
  The whole thing got a little boring after about an hour.
  Today, what made me laugh is something that might be hard to explain. It was on Fark. Its this story about how China plans to invade the US. I thought, "Wow, this stuff is crazy. I wonder how real this is?"
  Then I clicked on the main site. I saw that he will be appearing at AryanFest. That's when I burst out loud. For some reason the idea of an AryanFest cracks me up. Actually this whole website cracks me up.
  Of course, it scares me a little. I've seen plenty of ideas like these. Maybe not this extreme, but a good ways there. I'm sure that there is a litmus test to see if I am cool with that. If I am then the real crazy stuff begins. Maybe the shaved head attracts them. I don't know. Maybe this is just something that all crackers in the South have to deal with.
  Of course, you have to hand it to this guy. He offers hosting to non-Jewish, straight, aryans only. (What no Catholic reference?) It offers web hosting for ANYTHING.
  He also offers ads on his site. I wonder just how pleased he would be if I wanted to host an inter-racial porn site. (I'm a non-Jewish, straight, cracker who just happens to like brown sugar.) Of if I wanted an ad for such a site.
  I'm off to read more wackiness.

  Okay, here's what's making me happy today. It's that I am such a hard worker.
  For the past few weeks, I've been doing a pretty hard job at work. I've been paired up with a worthless piece of crap so I've been pretty much carrying the whole show. Then they took me off for a day. Worthless had to defend for himself. Then halfway through the second day of Worthless fending for himself, I got sent back to the old job. It wore me out trying to catch back up, trying to fix what he had messed up, and trying to simply keep up with the incoming work. It didn't get caught up, but I actually did half the work that needed to be done.
  Well, tonight we had help. There were five of us doing the job. Worthless was there. I was there. Three other guys were there. That's what makes me happy. I guess my manager realized that I had been busting my butt at work and then sent three other guys.
  So that means that your old pal Gunny was doing the work of four people. I guess that I can take pride in the fact that I make a pretty good worker. One that the different departments fight to get.
  Of course, the new guys didn't really get it either. Ultimately, I had to help them all. Except for Worthless. He's on his own.
  That's of course how I got the nickname of Gunny. When I started working at Wal-Mart, there were two other guys that I worked with that had the same first name. Noting the fact that I walk slightly faster than most people, one of them said that I always looked like I was "Gunning to go some where." Therefore the fact that I was a "Gunny little fellow" stuck until it became my name. It has nothing to do with the military. Except for the fact that the boss at that time was a former drill sergeant. He's also part of the reason that I work so hard. Nothing makes you feel so ashamed as an old man yelling at you, "I'm more than twice your age. Why am I moving faster than you?"

  I should really start doing these happiness posts at the end of my day. Which oddly enough, is the first thing in the morning for most folks. I had a pretty rough night last night. Work is making it pretty hard not to piss and moan on the blog, but I promised you 31 days of happiness, and that's what you are going to get. (After all, what's a challenge if it's not difficult?)
  Today's happiness is "berber." No not the rug or the people. No, I mean the word. I've always said that "doody" is the funniest word in the English language, and I still stand by that claim.
Q: Why did the policeman stink so badly?
A: Because he was on doody.
  Doody is the kind of word that's funny to most people any time you can sneak it into a joke or serious discussion, but for me, berber is the word. Some times, it makes me smile to just croak it out like a bullfrog. Some times it's just the luxuriant impression that such a noble name gives to a cheap rug that can be bought at Wal-mart. Either way, it's a word that never fails to cheer me up. Try it yourself. Croak it out. Berber. Then laugh at the sheer silliness of my attachment to the word.
  Go on, I can take it.

  Really tired today for some reason. Probably because I did not sleep well today. So today's happiness for the day should be really corny jokes, but I am going to have to go with listening to Dan Baird's Love Songs for the Hearing Impaired. You probably know it. Let me post some of the lyrics.

Hey, back when I was going to school,
I never learned a thing
All I did was daydream
And wait for the bell to ring.
I had a certain teacher.
I always tried to impress her.
When she stood up in the classroom,
I would mentally undress her.
Then one day I decided
That I would write a little letter.
She said the spelling was a masterpiece.
The punctuation could be better.
I understood what she was saying.
I got the gist of her sentiment.
She said, "I don't mean to be degrading,
But here's the way that it should have went..."

I love you period
Do you love me question mark
Please please exclamation point
I wanna hold you in parentheses

  Of course, it's southern rock. It should be played loudly and sung badly. It was a song that I remember well because it reminded me of my HS English teacher, Ms Walker. Who coincidentally was pretty hot. (No relation, sicko.)
  Of course, the whole album has pretty funny lyrics. And probably musical qualities that would be regarded as sacrilegious by some one who knows how to play the instruments in the song. I would also like to include lyrics from the other great song from the album. The title is, well, I'll not give the surprise away...

I did not go to church last Sunday
Cause my sins I need not confess.
With your daddy standing at the pulpit,
I just figured staying home was best.
Your physique is swelling,
And your waist line is telling.
Everybody knows that it's mine.
I guess the word's got around
in this one story town,
And your preacher daddy, he's ain't blind.

Oh, you got knocked up,
and I got locked up.
I guess you'd say that we both got screwed.
You got locked out,
And I got knocked out,
And I guess you're going to miss a lotta school.

  That's all I'll post. I just find these so funny, that I felt that it was my responsibility to share these lyrics with world. Got to go to work now. Later.
(In motherland Russia, you don't post lyrics, lyrics post you.)

  Here's what makes me happy today. I am going to be able to attend both demolition derbys and the tractor show at Wilson County Fair this year. I am so geeked out about it. Working for Wal-mart as long as I did, I got pretty accustomed to working every weekend and holiday known to man. However, with my new job, I get every weekend off. Just think of the possibilites! I can hit all the haunted houses in Nashville this year. Twice! Even the crappy haunted woods.
  Well, I say crappy, but the truth is that they have the best maze I have ever seen. I looped around in it three times before I found the way out. I even went back out the entrance just to make sure that I wasn't at the exit.
  Anyway, that's what I am geeked out about today.

  Today's joy comes from The Muppet Show - Season One. (Which by the way, is available on DVD.) It's as Sam The Eagle describes as "My never-ending struggle to uplift these proceedings here are two distinguished professors, Doctor Arnold Nood and Frederick Nik, to discuss post-Dickensian economics." Of course, they are played by Peter Ustinov and Fozzie Bear. Ustinov best explains post Dickensian economics with a story.
  Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. (What else?) Who was visited by his fairy godmother. Now Benny's fairy godmother promised him that he would live forever under one condition: that he never, never shave again. Isn't that some condition? Now Benny never shaved after that. And do you know what? He lived to be 175 years old.
  Now one day Benny happened to meet a beautiful girl. It happens to anyone. And he fell in love. And the beautiful girl asked Benny to shave his beard off. When the fair godmother heard that Benny had shave, she got that mad. She turned Benny into a Grecian urn. And that only goes to prove the economic theory of "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

  Today was the Horton family reunion at Henry Horton State Park. My grandmother's maiden name was Horton. Of course, MeMa has changed her name back to Horton, so that made her the only Horton at the Horton family reunion. She has a brother, but he's in Oregon. It was a pretty good time with people that I hardly know how I am related to them.
  The thing that makes me happy today is the disc golf course. It's a good course. Not as pretty as Cedars of Lebanon's but just a challenging. It's also much better than Murfreesboro's course. It's not a good course, when it's in an open field.

  Today's thing that brings me happiness is Big Joe.
  Big Joe is a reporter on WKRN. He's the guy on the morning news that they send out to report on local events. Opening a new car dealership? Send out Big Joe. Getting a new Wal-Mart? Big Joe will be there. And if we can't find a local event for Big Joe to attend, then he'll just be at an ice house, coffee shop, or some other local business. It cracks me up to think what the conversations must at WKRN must be like. I imagine some director and lackie talking....

Director: So the Southern Women's Show is coming up. We need to send somebody.
Lackie: Dorinda?
Director: Heck no! We need to keep her available in case something important comes up.
Lackie: You're sending Heather?
Director: No, she's straight desk material. Don't be silly. We're sending Big Joe.
Lackie: Joe? Really?
Director: Yeah, why?
Lackie: Well, it is the Southern Women's Show.
Director: I know what the event is. I was the one that brought it up. What's your point.
Lackie: *sighs* Nothing, sir. Would you like him to eat a bug while he is there?
Director: No that's State Fair material.
Lackie: Un no sir, I think the State Fair material is to make him eat as much of one item as possible and then ride carnival rides. I believe the eat a bug routine is museum material.
Director: Yeah, even better was that time we made him eat 13 corn dogs on the tilt-a-whirl! He kept having to change shirts because he smeared mustard all over them.
Lackie: Are you sure that you want to send Joe?
Director: Yes! How many times do I have to tell you....
Lackie chimes in: Oh yes sir, I forgot. Big Joe is the "Jackass of News Channel 2." How could I forget? I saw him the other day and thought gee whiz. He looks like he could star in a movie just like that Johnny Knoxville.
Director: I don't find that Johnny Knoxville funny and I am not looking forward to watching him taint the legacy that is the Dukes of Hazzard. But it is funny watching him humiliate himself!
Lackie: Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Do you have anything that you would like Joe to do while he is there?
Director: Paint a birdhouse. Or knit something. What ever it is make it pink. And girly. And have him interview somebody that's not all there.
Lackie: He pretty much does that every time. I think its is his special talent. Its like he's a magnet.

  Man, my post have really gotten sour lately. That's why I am going to follow the challenge found here. The challenge is post for the month of August that which makes me happy. Every new day gets a new post and something new that brings me joy. Of course, it's already eleven days unto the new month, so you'll just have to settle for 31 days of happiness.
  The thing that brings me joy today is walking barefoot on hot asphalt. Its a warmth that you can feel through your bones. Assuming that it, that it isn't above 90 degrees outside. I went outside earlier today without shoes on and forgot about it. For some reason it reminds me of childhood. I guess because now that I am older, I am never foolish enough to run out without shoes, jacket, keys, etc.