Gunny Walker

I'm sure that you know this already, but Terry Schiavo has been declared dead. Again. With her dies, the largest political hot button since Elian Gonzales. Of course, the family say that the fight still goes on. Even though, she may be in a somewhat more of a vegatative state, they will still fight to have that feeding tube re-inserted. They don't care what those doctors say. They'll get an iron lung, and a pace maker, and a feeding tube, and a colostomy bag, and...
  Okay, so maybe that's a bit tasteless. This whole thing happened after her fight with bulimia. So you've got to wonder if she is proud of the whole starving to death thing.
  Okay, so maybe that's a bit tasteless. In other news, the Pope has been given his last rites. In case you were unaware what last rites were. It's the ritual that allows you to wipe the slate clean in case you die. Of course, it ruins things a bit if you get a really cute nurse, because then you are going to lust and die with a sin. Of course, the Pope really doesn't have that much to be wiped clean. He had been really vain by riding around in a really cool Popemobile. He had studied theater in college, but mostly he had lied about his real identity since taking the job in 1978. Of course, he can't speak, but if he does and still refuses to introduce himself as Karol Jozef Wojtyla, then the last rite can be voided.
  Okay, so maybe that's a bit tasteless. There is one thing that I read that I did find interesting in the article. It said...

The use of a feeding tube for the pope illustrates his position on treatment for the critically ill. In 2004, he wrote that doctors have a moral duty to preserve life. "The administration of water and food, even when provided by artificial means, always represents a natural way of preserving life ... not a medical procedure." The Vatican has criticized a Florida judge's order to remove the feeding tube from Terri Schiavo, a brain-damaged woman who died Thursday after nearly two weeks without food or water.

  The thing is that Schiavo had been in a vegetative state for fifteen years. Would we endure the same from the Pope? Technically, we might endure it for longer. Imagine the scene. It's Good Friday. They wheel him out on a dolly tied up like Hannibal in The Silence of the Lambs. One of the cardinals grabs his right arm and moves it in the sign of the cross.
  Okay, so maybe that's a bit tasteless.

  Sometimes I think that my memory mocks me. This morning on the way to work, I couldn't remember Richard's last name. Then I thought I should post this to the blog to see if any of my Wal-martians could have remembered.
  Richard was this annoying guy that used to unload trucks with me. He was annoyingly unforgettable and always smelled of bologna. For me to notice that takes a lot because every day I start off with two bologna sandwiches.
  Anyway, I can't remember what Bob and Tom joke it was that made me think of him, but Richard has a last name that that is an adjective. It's like black, or bigg, or brown, but it's none of those. The reason that I remember that it was an adjective was because he shortened his name to Dick in the phone book for his own personal gag. You can figure it out. I'm trying to keep the site PG-13.
  Then just as I got onto Blogger to pose this problem to the world, his name pops into my head. This pointless dilemma has been there, in the back of my head, taunting me for some 11 hours, and suddenly the answer pops in to say hello.
  Sometimes I think that God is taunting us when things like this happen. Just in case you are curious, its "Silk."
  Also, if you are reading this and have never read Big Stupid Tommy's blog, read today's flashback post. I laughed so hard I cried.

  Happy Easter, everyone! Easter is an unusual holiday. Sure, it may be the greatest Christian holiday there is, but the rest of it remains such a mystery. Where did the rabbit come into play? How does a rabbit lay eggs? Candied ones at that.
  I can say that after much research, I can easily explain all the nuances of this holiday. To understand Easter you need to start with Friday. Good Friday is the date of the Jesus' crucifixion. Jesus was dead in the grave and something needed to be changed. The disciples were enjoying this newly founded religion. They had found that liked to sleep in on Saturdays, they could hang out with all the "cool people" (prostitutes, tax collectors, black people), and no one would call them unclean, and this is the big one, they had discovered bar-b-cue. You have no idea how hard it is to find a good kosher brisket.
  What they needed was a new mascot. Therefore they settled on their favorite animal, the rabbit. After all, the rabbit exemplified everything for which they were fighting. The rabbit was gentle. The rabbit was very fruitful and multiplied. Their church needed growth if it was to sustain itself. The rabbit was delicious and easy to catch, and they didn't want to quit eating it. (Leviticus 11:6)
  Lo and behold, the disciples showed their foolishness, when who should arrive but the God/man himself, Jesus Christ. Well, the disciples had three days worth of back-pedaling to do. Somehow, the rabbit tradition never seemed to leave Easter. It was always a joke at the disciples expense that Easter Bunny was going to come on Easter. In defense, I must say that humor was a lot easier to achieve in those days. After a good day of Gregorian chants, simply passing gas in front of the fire was pretty funny.
  Then came the discovery of cocoa and America. Eventually cocoa made its way to Europe when Johann Gregors of Austria realized that he could make little chocolate balls just like rabbit droppings. He marketed them in his shop on Good Friday 1598. There always seemed to be extra shelf space, since his Jew-Jew Beans seemed to stop selling so well at Passover. Of course, his business seemed to drop off considerably. It seems that everyone thought that he had an infestation problem. It appeared that his shop was full of rabbit droppings.
  In 1599, he had the great idea of coating them in candy. No one would mind eating the poop as long as they didn't have to see it. That and the fact that you could still get a good laugh by "giving poop" to your friends made it an instant success. It was still technically there on the inside, so it was still technically funny. (See earlier mention of Gregorian chants.) Also, the idea of multi-colored poop was funny as well.
  Unfortunately, some schmuck in Pennsylvania copied the idea some centuries later and marketed the heck out of it. That is why we never think of the poop aspect of it anymore.
  Of course, another schmuck, Pope Pious VII, also noticed that Johann's candies were like little eggs. Eggs which were like the rebirth of Christ on Easter. (Of course, he wasn't very smart. Very few eggs have a gestation period of three days. Unless you count insect eggs, and no Christian wants to be associated with kind of pestilence.) So therefore, we also lost the joke of the PR campaign gone poorly and the true meaning of the Easter Bunny.
  So there you are. The true story of Easter symbolism has now been revealed to you. Of course, the disciples didn't live forever. So somewhere, we started to go to church on Sundays, because we wanted to avoid all those slow Saturday drivers, and because of some damn early risers, we decided that we should start having services earlier and earlier. Eventually, we backed it all the way up to midnight cutting into serious drinking time from Saturday night with the "cool people." That's when the church lost all its early vision and decided that only hillbilly rubes would eat animals like rabbit.

  Yesterday's post was one of those times where you have a really great idea for a movie or a book, but you are in the car, or the shower, or at work. By time you actually can sit down and write it, you forget what it was that was so cool. That's what yesterday's post was. I wish that I could remember what my dreams better.
  Lately, I've been having some crazy dreams. I think that it's got something to do with the new job. Last night all I can remember dreaming about was zombies. The night before was about getting stabbed in the mall after having an argument with some one. I seem to be remembering my dreams every night. Usually, I go for months and don't remember a dream. I just hope I am not sleep walking as well.
  I remember one time when I was a kid, I was camping with a friend. I actually got up, stepped on him, and went out side. I left the tent open and didn't close it after coming back in some time later. He tried to wake me up but eventually had to close it himself. He was seriously pissed.
  That's the thing about sleep walking. People yell at you for stuff you KNOW you didn't do. For some reason after a story like that, people still don't understand why I want my own hotel room on trips.

  You know what would be a funny movie? A movie about a guy who moves from company to company just to see how much time he could be in training.
  At my current job, I'm in my third week of four weeks of training. At my last job, I had two weeks of training and never made it past the transitional queue. The job that I had before that one had a training program that was easily tackled in three or four days. Of course, I saw some guys stretch it out for a couple of weeks. (Of course, it was all on computer and you pretty much ran at your own pace.) There is a guy in my class that has a job offer that he could start at in a couple of weeks. There will be several weeks of training there as well.
  I'm sure that some sort of "Office Space" style comedy would be possible.
  I've been feeling pretty inadequate at my new job lately. There are a lot of guys with college degrees. (Heck, I have to think about how to SPELL college.) And here am I. Just some guy who just watches Tech TV. Or used to watch it. Now, it's all about video games. I don't play video games. So my main source of tech knowledge ended about a year ago.
  Then the lady that actually runs her own business online asked me today, "Are an Xbox and a PlayStation 2 the same thing?" Then we also had a ten minute conversation why you would want to have that AOL for broadband service.
  Suddenly I don't feel so stupid.
  Today's funniest comment came while we were discussing stealing cable. Sometimes when you move into a house the cable company forgets to turn it off the cable from the previous resident. Some people actually end up getting years of free cable. It was then that one of my classmates decided to inform us all that he "had gas for three months." Only two of us in the class laughed.
  Now I have to figure out what everybody was talking about today.

  "We didn't lie to you folks. We told you we had living, breathing monstrosities. You laughed at them, shuddered at them, and yet, but for the accident of birth, you might be even as they are. They did not ask to be brought into the world, but into the world they came. Their code is a law unto themselves. Offend one, and you offend them all.
  And now, folks, if you'll just step this way, you are about to witness the most amazing, the most astounding living monstrosity of all time. (Woman screams.) Friends, She was once a beautiful woman. A royal prince shot himself for love of her. She was known as the peacock of the air..."
  And so begins the movie, Freaks. It's a film created way back in 1932. It was banned for forty years and is still banned in Sweden. It was directed Tod Browning. Tod Browning was fresh off his hit Dracula and was challenged to make the ultimate horror film. The result was Freaks.
  It's the movie about circus freaks and a love triangle located within. Cleopatra, the lady from the trapeze, turns the head of one of the midgets, Hans. Hans however is engaged to one of the other midgets, Frieda. Frieda goes to speak to Cleo as one woman to another. She tries to point out how many people laugh behind their back. Cleo only mocks Frieda. Frieda points out how much it will break Hans feelings to find out that he is the butt of a joke. Cleo then goes after Frieda. She makes fun of all dwarves. Then Frieda drops the bomb. She says that she knows Cleo is in it for the money. Hans made Frieda not to mention that he is wealthy. It's then that Cleo decides what she will do.
  With the help of the strong man, Cleo decides to marry Hans and kill him. During the wedding feast, the freaks decide to make Cleo an honorary freak. She spurs them. To add insult to injury, she flirts with the strong man and ends the party by giving piggy back rides to Hans.
  The next day, Hans is diagnosed with food poisoning, but the freaks suspect differently. They watch Cleo and realize what her plans are. They exact revenge in the worst possible way.
  If you've never seen Freaks then either rent it or buy it. But it's amazing how this seventy year old movie can still have all the repulsive punch that it ever did.
  Freaks however does show a point that it makes in the first two minutes. "but for the accident of birth, you might be even as they are." It's a movie that says that even though they look like monstrosities that they are actually really decent human beings. They should not be ostracized, just because they look different. Good, decent people come in all shapes and sizes, and that we should be more than happy to make them "One of us, one of us."

  It's really frustrating working days for these four weeks of training. I can't watch the stock market because I'm in training all day. I've actually lost a couple of hundred dollars in the market. I can't watch the market when it's open. I get home and find out that I should have made a trade. Then I have to wait until the next day to make a trade. I have to do it on autopilot. I can't watch it go down and that makes me very nervous. It also means that I am operating a couple of days behind the norm. I understand that when you play the stock market, you should expect to lose some money, but when you do, situations like this make it much worse.
  Of course, there's also the fact of the house. As you know faithful reader, I bought a house at the tax auction. Of course, I have to give the previous owner a year to pay me my money back plus interest. My year ended February 24th. So what did I do? I promptly went to see my lawyer at his earliest convenience. I called him Friday the 25th and set up an appointment for Tuesday, March 1st. Of course, we sat and talked about what the process was like. Seems that I should be able to sell this place by the next auction in June.
  During the meeting, he gets up to look to for the forms and it turn out that he doesn't have any. He makes a call to get the forms and they said that they were going to mail them to him. That means that the forms didn't arrive until March 7th, exact same day that I started the new job. So, I told him that I guess I'll see him about the middle of April.
  The previous owners get to stay for another month while I get to watch my investment sit there instead of working at it.

  I realized something the other day. I work for the largest cable company. Before that I worked for the largest hardware company in the country. Before that, I worked for the largest retailer and largest company in the world. Before that, it was different. I worked for second largest soft drink company. Of course, a few years ago they spun off my actual employer, Taco Bell. And of course, now Taco Bell with it's brother/sister companies, have evolved into the largest restaurant company in the country.
  That kind of says something about me.
  Gunny Walker: Hiding among the masses.
  Interesting facts. Poor catch phrase. I'll work on it. I need to look up the Forbes 400 richest Americans and see which ones have employed me.

  Yesterday, at Best Buy one thing shocked me. A lady was looking at a laptop for about thirty minutes. It may have been longer. She was there when I got there. Anyway, she had a sales man tied up, because the computer she wanted was not in. She then figured out an alternate laptop. He placed the laptop in the buggy and was ready to escort her to the front. Just before leaving the area, she asked where the laptop was made. I'm not sure what she asked. All I know is that he told her that it was not made in the US.
  First off, let me say this computer was a Toshiba.
  The sales man said that the laptop was not made in America. If she wanted a laptop made in America, her best bet was a Gateway. (Of course, her best bet would really be a Dell, but even they are made from foreign parts.)
  Anyway, I made it immediately clear to him that we were buying now. Actually, I said that I would take the one in the buggy, not realizing that it wasn't the one that my mother wanted. He was more than happy to help some one who was actually buying. Even though he didn't have any in stock and had to have one shipped in from Kentucky.
  He said that it was the third day that he had waited on that lady. He even had her on the way to register today. She has clearly spent hours in the store with him.
  Some people have no respect for other people's time.

  Sorry, I haven't been posting folks. My mother told me that she wants to buy a laptop, so I have spent the past two days going from store to store with her. Comparing prices, comparing computers, comparing names. The thing is hilarious. She knows what a hard drive is, she knows what RAM stands for but not ROM. She knows has no idea why she doesn't want a Celeron processor. Of course, it doesn't help when she says things like, "Hey, this one does digital pictures."
  "Mom, they all do digital pictures."
  So she settled on a Compaq from Best Buy. Of course, she had a little trouble figuring out why none of them came with a floppy drive.
  on a side note while in Comp USA, I got to see the coolest thing I had ever seen. It was a Sony laptop for three thousand dollars. It had no optical drive, a 1.1 Gig M processor, 512 MB Ram, and no touch pad. Of course, it weighed less than three pounds and, when it folded up, was thinner than a CD jewel case. It's just cool because it shows where computers could be in five years.
  And that the most annoying thing about it as well. It says that your computer that you buy today will be weaker than cell phones will be five years from now.
  Welcome to the world of Moore's Law.

  I'm getting tired of people in class asking about the free cable. I get free cable if I manage to stick around for ninety days. I get an analog box, a digital box, and a DVR. But of course, it's interfering with my learning time. I really don't know much about cable.
  What did I make on my internet quiz? 100% On my HDTV quiz? 93% I mixed up component and composite cables. My On Demand quiz? Well, I had to take it about twenty times.
  See TV is something I watch while I am waiting for websites to load. The only show that I watch with anything close to regularity is Jeopardy. Even then, I can't remember which free channel it comes on.
  Yesterday, though when I asked a question about the DVR, the response was, "You get a DVR and a digital box."
  To which I said, "No, when I sell one. Not for me."
  These free cable questions are starting to interfere with my learning. Free cable, free internet, discounted PPV's aren't that big of a deal when you aren't even sure if you are going to have a job next month.

So, I'm sure you've heard it. I'm posting the dialogue here anyway. It's the conversation between Brodie, the ex-boyfriend, and Shannon Hamilton, the rebound guy. You can find this conversation in the romantic comedy Mallrats. (Of course, I've removed all of the curse words.)

Shannon Hamilton: Smart-*** ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those ****ing mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you ****ing live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?
[Shannon Hamilton beats up Brodie]
Shannon Hamilton: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's ****ing clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.
Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.
Shannon Hamilton: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to **** them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Shannon Hamilton: No. More like someplace girls dread.

  That "back of a Volkswagen" crack seems to be THE running gag of the film. Of course, it's been my goal to see the classic movies. I've never seen The Godfather, Jaws, or until recently, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The thing is that while I knew most of the references, IMDB reports movies that have a connection with it. Unfortunately, some times the connections aren't obvious. That's how I cam across The Apartment. At first, there is a reference to Lord Fauntleroy. I thought that this was a pretty weak reference. Some thing that some one had put into IMDB. Some times I find things like this that I chalk up to chance. It's just a coincidence that both movies mention Lord Fauntleroy.
  But then, they told the Volkswagen joke. Surely, that's too obscure to be coincidence.
  Anyway, The Apartment is a pretty racy movie. It's directed by Billy Wilder whom also directed Some Like It Hot. It's a movie about a fellow who is trying to climb the corporate ladder. He is doing it by loaning out his apartment to corporate executives who cheat on their wives. In return, they give him recommendations for promotions. Unfortunately, one of the men was denied the use of the apartment once and had to take his date to the drive-in. He had to borrow his nephews car and it was extremely rough being that it was Volkswagen.
  Anyway, I was shocked this was such a racy film. I guess I thought the films of 1960 wouldn't deal with an adult subject nature. I guess after seeing such a fuss being raised over a film such as Mallrats that I can't imagine that there are movies that are forty years old that are just as racy.
  Anyway, if you ever get the chance to see The Apartment, do it. It's a great movie. Now I am off to watch Freaks, you had better believe that there will be a post about it.

  So I went to see my lawyer. The previous owners are still there at the house. That's right. I have to wait the whole year before I get to take full possession of the house. It's best just to leave them alone. After all, if some skinhead was on your front porch trying to kick you out and lose your house, or pay him a few thousand dollars and keep your 80,000 dollar house, which would you choose?
  So the best thing is to stay cool and calm. Stay cool. Leave them alone. They'll forget about it just like they forgot to pay their property taxes for a couple of years.
  Anyway, I went to see the lawyer to find out what I am going have to do to take care of this property. Turns out that it will be a lot quicker than I thought. I have to get the sheriff to post a notice on the door. Then if they don't move out in a week then I set a court date to get them evicted. The whole process of that lasts about two weeks. (Or so my lawyer estimates.) Then I get the sheriff out there to watch as I have a couple of guys with strong backs carry their stuff out to the curb.
  All in all, the process should last less than a month. The ironic part is that it may take longer than that. I'm going to be in training for five weeks at Comcast. That means Monday through Friday of working days. My lawyer is not sure whether I will have to be there for the court dates. If I do, then they will get a stay of eviction until the middle of April. I should however be able to sell this place in time for the June tax sale. There are some names to the forms that I have to file to evict them, but I can't remember what they are. I'll post them as soon as I have them. Next time, I'll actually be able to file them myself.