Gunny Walker

  You know, one day I won't be around for all you people to make fun of and kick around. No, one day I'll be gone just like ol' Dick Nixon. However, before I do, I thought I would share with you all of the great bits of advice that I have come across in my short time upon this planet.

• Be good. If you can't be good, then be good at it.
  
• Cheese should only to be inserted into the body one way.
  
• Don't sweat the petty things. Do pet the sweaty things.
  
• If at first you don't succeed, cover up any evidence that shows you ever tried.
  
• If at first you can't spell it, think of a homonym.
  
• Bologna is good for you.
  
• Everybody needs a hole in their head no matter how that old saying goes. Without it, they couldn't eat or breath. Or stick cheese in the wrong way.
  
• There is something that you love better than me. It's the red earth of Tara.
  
• When trying to keep warm in the cold. Put plastic bags around your feet on the INSIDE of your shoes because if you put it on the OUTSIDE of your shoes you keep falling down for lack of traction.
  
• Any time is a good time for pie.
  
• When you grab life by the balls, wash your hands afterwards.
  
• If you ever need the proof that people are the same all over the world, look at the sandwich. Everybody has some kind of meat wrapped in bread.
  
• Don't mention the socks.
  
• I before E except after C. Unless it sounds like an A, as in neighbor or weigh. (I quote this one almost weekly considering that my middle name still defies it.)
  
• Hot dogs are better with mustard.
  
• God made dirt and dirt don't hurt.
  
• No one likes a wise guy. Or a whistler.
  
• Jalapenos must be cooked on the pizza. It enhance their flavor. Just like green olives.
  
• Do not shun chocolate because of what it is. It is just sweet, innocent chocolate. Chocolate just wants to be loved.
  
• Spell check should qualify as proof for intelligent design. Unfortunately, the English language is proof against it.
  
• No matter how many times mankind proves you wrong. People should still be trusted. (But never more than twice.)

  Feel free to add your own. I'm sure that if I sat here, I could think of more, but I'm tired of writing now.